Saturday, April 21, 2007


So the date of my knee surgery draws nearer. I'm not nervous about the actual procedure or the subsequent pain I'm sure to endure, but I can't shake this nagging feeling that my knee will never be the same as it was.

I'm not an anxious person, and I'm not a worrier. In fact, if anything, I tend to blow things off too often, even when they're important. I roll with the punches, go with the flow, float like the wind, etc. But thinking about my knee I just can't relax.

The swelling has subsided considerably, and I've regained a significant range of motion. I can now almost fully bend my knee and there is no longer a dull ache to the joint. That dull ache has been replaced with very sharp pains any time I move my leg in the wrong direction or try to walk on it. The pains are very localized and very specific to the area around my kneecap.

That's what I'm most worried about---my kneecap. I've heard that once you dislocate your patella, the chance of it slipping out of place in the future is increased considerably. I can't imagine getting hurt again. Just thinking about the sound my knee made when it gave out and the pain that it caused makes my stomach turn, and the idea that it could happen again at any time scares the crap out of me.

I've never had an injury like this before. I've never broken a bone (other than a toe or two), never been seriously cut and even the crashes I've had on the bike were nothing more than bruises and road rash. My knee is different. It's serious. It requires surgery.

All I can do is recover from the operation and begin a rehab program, and be serious about it. And above all, be careful. I can't imagine my life without weight lifting and bike racing, and a damaged knee could compromise both of those pursuits. I'll do whatever it takes to come back fully fit and stronger than ever. I have to.

I'll drive myself crazy otherwise.